3 - Title Pending

Entry 3 is Coming Soon :)

2 - Quest for the Claw: Cabbage Edition Pt. 3/3

Finally completing what he had set out to complete, Colin sits on top of a mountain ledge, looking down over the river and something that resembles a miniature mammoth grave-yard. Wondering how he's going to get down, he decides the quickest and easiest way is to just jump from ledge to ledge until he finally reaches the ground level; taking a look around at the surroundings.

Inspecting the mammoth remains and other elements strewn about the ground, a rustle is heard from a bush nearby; startling Colin so much that he immediately unsheathes his sword and raises his shield. Unexpectedly, what jumps out of the bush isn't a bandit, nor a goblin, nor a goblin riding a bandit, but a simple bunny rabbit... hopping around the landscape like it's the king of the rabbits. Full to the brim with rage, Colin knows exactly what rabbits are capable of; having heard of merchants having their watermelon supplies completely devoured by bunny rabbits, forcing them have to close shop for quite some time. With the fluffy rabbit bouncing around, Mr. Johanson approaches in the only way he knows how... loud as possible with sword above his head, screaming at the tops of his lungs; and chases the rabbit to the river.

"RAAAAHHHGGUURRLLLJJJIIGGHHH!!!"

Finally catching up to the rabbit after a chase worthy of Benny Hill music, he quickly removes the watermelon and cabbage eating monstrosity from the world of the living. Not bothering to clean the rabbit blood from his weapon and armor, he moves along the river in the direction of Riverwood, when he stumbles across a small run-down shack; small garden on the outside, and an old woman sitting outside in a chair, surprisingly not shouting for Colin to get off her lawn.

Don't mind the blood, it's just Laporidae Lagomorpha.

Attempting to spark a conversation with the lady, Colin receives nothing but three word answers, leaving him so insulted that he enters the woman's house and begins to rummage about. While searching through the house, Colin finds an old journal on Necromancy, some plants for alchemy, a skull or two, and... a super secret hidden cellar door that no one would have ever found...

Quick Harry! To the Chamber of Secrets!

Intrigued by the discovery of the trap door, Colin peers through a crack in the wooden walls, making sure the old woman is paying no attention to his actions; luckily, she is not and he continues to open the hatch and climb into the cellar. Slowing climbing down as to not make much noise, Colin reaches the bottom of the small foot-ladder and begins to look around: There's an alchemy and enchanting table in the corners, a few book shelves, potions, skulls, and note on a table which reads:

Necromancy; solving your family problems since 200 CE!

Well this isn't as homey as I thought it would be...

Finding nothing of value left in the cellar, Colin packs up what he can and heads back up to the surface, in hopes that the old lady is still unaware of where he had disappeared to for quite some time. Stepping outside in orders to make his escape, he notices the woman standing in front of him about ten feet out, and she begins to spew fire out of her hands, lighting Colin on fire! Trying to reason with her, he offers to put everything back but it's no use, she hears no voice of reason and continues to try and kill Mr. Johanson... which we all know is an impossible feat.

Ha! Colin Johanson is the human torch! Who knew?!

If one isn't good enough... Stab Stab and Stab again.

Dodging the flames the best he can, which is not at all, Colin charges forth with his sword above his head, striking the old woman several times before dropping her to her knees, and finishing her off with bash of the shield and a sword-thrust to the chest. With the charred skin removing itself and the old lady not a problem anymore, Colin loots her body of all important items and continues his journey back to Riverwood in order to complete what he set out to do long ago; turn in the Golden Claw to it's rightful owner.

Reaching Riverwood and entering through the same entrance he came in the first time, Colin notices a cart full of something better than treasure... something green, and leafy... a pile of delicious cabbage. Out of sheer delight, Colin rushes to the cart and instantly piles all the cabbage into his pack before heading into the Riverwood Trader.

CABBAAAAGGGEEE!!!!!

I now pronounce you; Dr. Claw!  May your M.A.D. adventures bring you great riches.

Returning the claw to the merchant, Colin receives the thanks of both the merchant and his sister, paying him some gold and sending him on his way, luckily Colin's home is within Riverwood and not far from the merchant's shop. Walking down the road, the sun begins to set and all the people in the town are beginning to head inside for the night, with all intents of going to sleep... but not Colin, he has other plans.

Home, sweet home.

Colin approaches his house, inserts the key and walks in; immediately placing the unimportant gear against the bookshelf, and heading towards the dinner table. On the table is a few bottles of different drinks; and some delicious looking rabbit meat... but Colin will have nothing of this, he clears the table with a single sweep of his arm and begins to place his feast on the table; Cabbage. Cabbage for days, or at least a few hours tonight as Colin feats upon the towns cabbage supply:

Colin, in his natural habitat... about to feast upon the wild cabbage.

Clearing the table of cabbage in a short amount of time, Colin gets up from the table and heads towards the bed, preparing to rest from what seemed like a week long adventure. Laying down, he slowly begins to doze off into a slumber, soon to wake up and continue his main quest: Becoming a Badass.

2 - Quest for the Claw: Cabbage Edition Pt. 2/3

It's true! It really is dark, bleak, and moist!

Barging his way through the large iron doors of Bleak Falls Barrow like a champ, Colin stops to admire the surroundings; the sun beaming through holes in the walls, the warm haze of a camp fire in the back of the room, and some pikes with rather sad looking heads impaled on the top of them. Colin, activating ninja mode, sneaks towards the fire and spots two figures by the camp-fire. Jealous of their fire, he pulls out his bow in order to remove them from their place, and take his rightful place at the side of a warm, cozy camp fire.

I want to be warm and cozy...

Blood: The finest Face Moisturizer in all the land!

Quickly removing the bandits from the warm gaze of the fire, Colin takes a seat and relaxes for a while, thinking back on his adventure thus far, remembering all the great people he's met. While sitting at the camp-fire, he turns around to notice a chest! Six lockpicks later, he finally opens the chest to find the best treasure of all: 15 gold coins and some cloth shoes. Stashing away his new found rewards, he prepares to head deep into the halls of this crypt, to find the Golden Claw and return it to the friendly merchant back at Riverwood.

What could possibly go wrong?

Finishing his preparations, including day-dreaming of cabbage, Colin begins to walk down the stairs, into the darkness below. Walking upon a crossroad, he looks either way and notices one end had caved in, still unable to see, pushing forward he stumbles upon a dimly lit corridor with a shelf; a single healing potion and a torch resting among it. Looting the potion in case he needs it, he puts his shield away and grabs the torch from the shelf; setting it ablaze and lighting his way through the tunnels ahead.

A single potion and no cabbage?... This will have to do.

Venturing forth, the mighty Colin approaches a dimly lit room with a single man within; as he begins to approach the man to ask him for directions to the Golden Claw, the man in the room pulls a lever, dying immediately due to fulfilling his dream of become the first human porcupine in Skyrim. While in the room, there are shrine like tablets around the room; hanging on the high back walls and in small coves in the left of the room, "A puzzle!" Colin thinks, and immediately realizes the tablets strewn about are in a specific order, and the few in the coves can spin. When finished spinning the shrines, he pulls the lever and to his great relief, the gate opens in front of him; revealing a small room, and a spiral stair.

I love it when a plan comes together!

I wish I was as badass as these stairs... 

Continuing down the stairs, Colin is noticing more and more spider-webs clinging to the walls and ceiling. Hoping the webs are just the doing of silly string and little children, he pushes forward until he reaches an opening to a large room; the opening which is completely blocked by spider-webs. Unsheathing his sword and slicing away the webs, he walks through the archway and is facing one of Colin's worst fears... a giant spider.

Behold! The... Oh wait, that's Dark Age of Camelot... ahem, one moment

There. BEHOLD! THE GIANT SPIDER!

Fearing for his life, Colin Johanson does what ever true hero would do, and runs back through the arch way and starts to fling arrows at the eight-legged beast. Noticing his arrows aren't very effective at damaging the spider, he pulls out his blade and charges forth, swinging his sword again and again, even bashing the spider with his torch in hopes to spark a flame.

It's like I'm Frodo, only 4 feet taller!

As battle rages on, there's an annoying voice of a dark elf in the back of Colin's head... he's wondering where it's coming from, and why it keeps shouting to "cut him loose" but it doesn't phase him, and he fights the spider until defeating it. While Colin is looting the spider and storing some venom in a vial, he continues to hear the voice of a dark elf, and turns around to continue his journey, only to see the source of the mysterious grumbles hanging in the entrance way.

Sup.

The dark elf, who is now confirmed real, offers the Golden Claw in exchange for Colin cutting him loose from the webs keeping him bound in the doorway; being the good guy he is, Colin frees the man, but he takes off with the claw! Colin gives chase, running through what looks like a burial chamber, and into another hallway before he catches up and cuts the dark elf down, looting his body and claiming the Golden Claw, the true objective for this quest!

Cleaning the blood off his blade, Colin stores the claw inside his pack and pushes on through the crypt in order to find a way out, unaware that he could turn around and walk out the way he came. Trudging onward, Colin stumbles into several burial rooms; walls lined with corpse beds and urns of ashes... walking forth, he hears moaning and whips around to see three undead corpses getting up from their beds and charging our hero.

Take that criminal scum!

After a short battle between Colin and three undead foes, he continues through the winding halls of the crypt, facing many more of the enemies known as the Draugr, and cutting them down one by one with relative ease and finesse. Delving deeper into the caverns, Colin comes to a long hallway, strewn with moss and webs, and walls covered in Nordic art and story telling, with the end of the hall capped with a door and some sort of puzzle lock involved.

Owls and Butterflies and Bears, oh my!

The claw! The claw is our master. Claw chooses who will go and who will stay! No, wait, that's Colin Johanson's Job. 

Remembering the symbols on the door were also seen on the claw when packing it away, Colin pulls the claw out and spins the dials to the correct order as displayed on the claw; inserting the claw into the key holes, and watching the door open as if he's just won a brand new horse. Walking through the door, he walks forwards into a damp cavern, where bats are fluttering in the high ceiling, Colin stumbles upon something not even he can believe he's seeing. There's a very large, stone shrine on top of a raised platform, as he approaches it; the words begin to call to him, and emit light as his vision blurs and darkens...

Let's be honest, this is not the strangest thing that's happened...

When Colin reaches the words, he feels an energy enter him that can not be explained... as if he's been filled a power from another dimension. Upon reveling in his new discovery and feelings, Colin hears a the lid of a coffin burst from it's closed state, and a very furious Draugr getting out of it, large sword in hand, the Draugr beckons at Colin with such ferocity, it knocks the sword out of his hand. Stumbling from the force of the shout, Colin regains his composure and picks his sword back up, fighting the monster for what seems like hours; before finally forcing it to it's knees, where Colin quickly finishes it off.

I dub thee... Dead. Once again.

Claiming his reward from the chest near the busted coffin, Colin heads in the only direction he can see; up some old stairs and out a secret stone door, which is opened by a very easily found switch. Inching his way through the narrow mountain corridors, he comes to a ledge where he makes his way down to the ground level of the cave, and heads towards the sun-light peering in through an entry from the outside...

'Almost Badass' Status Achieved

2 - Quest for the Claw: Cabbage Edition Pt. 1/3

In this entry, we join Colin Johanson and his quest to find a friendly bunch, having already been ambushed by bandits and attacked by a crazed fan; he continues down the road, following the river. While walking down the road, he comes across a view that shows smoke in the sky from a chimney, and a lumber mill being worked by some friendly looking Nords; on the side of the road is a road sign, and it becomes clear where he is heading: Riverwood.

Riverwood... The perfect place to start for an aspiring Badass.

Reading the sign, he takes to the road again, heading towards the village where he saw the seemingly friendly villagers walking the main street through town, and working the mill and forge. Colin can't help but think to himself, "Ha! Riverwood! Ralof mentioned this town; I sure hope there's some cabbage in this town... I love me some cabbage." and trudges his way into the village of Riverwood.

"Aha! A new town to pillage by being drop-dead handsome!"

Upon entering the town, there is a friendly vibe among the towns-folk, something that is a bit foreign to Colin in comparison to his adventures prior to this. Walking down the road, he finds a traders shop, and enters in order to browse their fine selection of swords, but stumbles into a family argument over some sort of Golden Claw that was stolen and taken to the mountains; everything shiny is in the mountains...

Why yes... that is quite the fine cheese-wheel you have there

After talking to the shopkeeper, Colin decides to help him recover the mysterious Golden Claw from the bandits that took off to the hills; taking it to Bleak Falls Barrow... which is probably dark, bleak, and moist. Accepting the quest, he over-hears the sister of the shop-keep say she'll show him where to go; luckily for Colin, he has a built in GPS and ignores her entirely and heads to the home of his mentor Ralof, before heading into the hills.

Ralof; Certified Badass and Mentor

Colin trudging up the hill to Bleak Falls Barrow like a champ

Traveling up the hill, Colin encounters many dangers; including wolves attacking him from all sides, forced to use his sword and swing it again and again, in order to fend them off. Further up the path, he runs into a group of bandits taking refuge at a tower structure, which he luckily is able to sneak by and avoid confrontation for the time being. Continuing of the hill, Colin begins to think about a horse, and how he wishes he had a mount at the time being, but then remembers the horror stories he's heard about the adventurers and plummeting off the cliff with their horses in tow.

Well this shouldn't be too bad! Right?... Right?!

Finally approaching Bleak Falls Barrow, Colin walks up the steps towards the main entrance, in such awe by the beauty of the structure, that he takes 2 arrows to the shoulder. Quick to stop his gawking, he unsheathes his blade and charges forth towards his attackers, 2 bandits drawing bows and taking aim; attempting to bring Colin Johanson down, a feat proven to be impossible thus far.

Haha! Eat my blade heathen! Never-mind the arrow protruding from my spinal column!

I guess there's no need to knock on this one...

Easily removing the life-soul from the bandits, Colin moves on to the front door of Bleak Falls Borrow, and presses forward, ready to face the darkness and find the Golden Claw and prove his badassery to the merchant of Riverwood!

1 - A Strange New World

Colin has begun his journey and is quick to get into an altercation with the locals of the land of Skyrim; he stumbles upon a camp, hoping to find supplies or a friendly folk to trade with. Approaching the camp from a distance, he closes in on the new-found camp site

"Colin approaches the seemingly empty camp..."

Thinking the camp is empty, Colin makes a slow approach, and notices a chest and some items; including a book on light armor and a healing potion, lying on the ground. After skimming the book and looting the chest, he turns around to see an arrow whiz by his head, three bandits have appeared to attack him!

"Ambush! Do they know who they're messing with?!"

Quickly dispatching the enemy bandits, he looks around the camp for further loot before looting the bodies of his new fallen enemies for their gear. Upon rummaging through the contents of the rest of the camp, he comes out with a bag of gold and some rabbit legs for a hearty meal later in the day. Looting the bandits yields further rewards, a badass horned helmet along with a new shield to go with his sword, completing the look of a true warrior.

"It's not easy being Colin Johanson, but the shield sure helps keep the fans at bay!"

Traveling further down the road, feeling swank in his new helmet and wielding his new shield, Colin comes across the humble abode of some of Skyrim's residence; upon knocking at the door, he finds that no one is answering, so he knocks some more, disappointingly, no one comes to the door.

"What a nice little home we have here..."

"Thankfully, Colin had learned some Lockpicking skills along the way"

Upon entering the home, Colin tries out his ability to be a ninja; truly demonstrating the versatility of the warrior in Skyrim, sneaking to a table in the far side of the room, he picks up some gold and snags a few books to read on his long carriage journeys that will be had. While rummaging through the contents of the room, he hears a cough and some murmuring, "Someone's home!" he thinks, and moves towards the stairs in the back of the room. While walking down the stairs, the residence below seems startled at the feet that are slowly descending the staircase, and charges Colin Johanson with a fierce battle cry!

"One does not simply kill Colin Johanson!"

While trying to talk some sense into the crazed man, Colin accidentally impales the man with his sword, leading to a gruesome, but survivable, flesh wound. Luckily the man seems okay, as the blood and wound disappear immediately, and he lies on the ground in shock, not moving while Colin remains in the room.

The look of everyone who just met Colin Johanson... The look of sheer Joy

The Adventure Begins...

Springing from the cave outside Helgen Keep, Colin joins his comrade Ralof in hopes of joining the Stormcloaks and finally achieving his life long goal of becoming a Badass. We join our adventurer, wearing his iron armor and wielding his sword, as he embarks upon an epic journey...

Colin prepares to swing his sword; again, and again, and hey! swing it again!